nirix5: (not listening)
It's all ups and downs. Got a 96 on my psychology test. We did the photography lab in criminalistics today, or the first part of it. I took a picture of my shoe and a storm drain, for lack of better material. [livejournal.com profile] insaneartgurl brought Dylan to school today, and everyone loves him.

Took an anthropology test, and then spent the rest of the afternoon trussed up in a sari and purple fairy wings, pretending to be an angel gazing adoringly at a goth Mary and a kid Jesus with a fever. Then I got to wave a glittery piece of fabric around. This was all for Lisha's photo project; I'll post the pictures here when I get them. Even talked her into letting [livejournal.com profile] neko_quinn be in a couple of frames, although she specified that he had to have his shirt off for them. Alas for me, she said he could leave his undershirt on. Thankfully I got some shirtless Quinn a little later, when I made him switch undershirts with me because his was nicer.

Bus, diner, fries, Quinn gnawed on my head, Dylan is cute and sleepy, let's bounce, sad panda face, cookie, bus, and here I am.

Dad walked in a little while ago, screaming about how there was no chicken-

(Um, hello. No one told me it was there- don't blame me because dinner isn't ready currently)

and screaming about his brother-

(Who had a stroke today and probably won't make it through the night)

and blah blah woof woof... the rest was the usual rant. Of course, he wants me to pick up Mom, who gets off of work at nine but doesn't get out of the fucking building until almost 9:30. Told him (after a rant that included the "you're not allowed to watch your favorite show... EVER!!!" at my sister) that CSI was new tonight. Also told him that I'd go but someone would have to tape it for me. Predictably, he pulled the martyr act and said to forget it.

Once upon a time, when he went into his rants, I would get angry right back at him, or be scared of him. Now, it all just makes me kind of tired and sad. My dad needs some serious help. He's carrying all of this incredibly deep-seated anger at [whatever] around, and he takes it all out on us. At this point in my life, I seem to have come to the mentality that runs along the lines of, "Look. This is your life. Your life, not mine. I'm not responsible for you choosing the actions that lead you to this point. You knew what the outcome had a chance of being, and you walked down that path anyway. Deal. Everyone else has to- stop blaming the rest of us for your shitty run of luck."

He was furious with me last year for pushing to register RIGHT NOW DAMMIT at OCC. Absolutely furious. I'm glad I've made the descisions I did, even if he views it as some sort of ungrateful personal betrayal. I saw where I was going to wind up, and I worked to change that outcome. Never regret, never look back.

Now I'm just kind of tired and apathetic, and all I want to do is go to sleep.

.
nirix5: (fragile; csiallie)
Thirty five minutes until biology. I've been freaking out since last Thursday about the unit test.

[ihopeipassedihopeipassedihopeipassed]

To celebrate my imminent passing or not passing, I've spent the entire afternoon on the computer doing nothing.

I don't want to do anything. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to RP, I don't want to write, I don't even want to read fanfics, although that's what I've been doing, in between looking at kimono that I can't afford.

(I saw the most gorgeous susohiki and it was ALREADY SOLD)

However, I did find a few places that offer traditional dance lessons in New York. I can't wait for this year to be over with, so I can move on with my life. I can't wait for this semester to be over with, so I can get a decent class schedule.

I'm thinking about dropping French in the spring because I don't speak it enough.

I really like the teacher, and I'm understanding certain grammatical points I missed before because she's explaining them in English, but therein lies the problem. She's explaining it in English. I used to get lost sometimes in high school when Madame Guillet or Madame Cooper spoke nothing but French for the whole period, but I got better at speaking it. This class is next to useless. How do you say "happy" again?

I'm just in a blue kind of mood today, I guess. Nothing seems good enough, or fast enough, or anything else enough. I'm tired and I don't know why. I have this horrible sinking feeling in my chest that I'm just spinning my wheels again over just about everything and it's driving me crazy. I hate feeling like this; like no matter what I do it's never going to be something I want with my whole being, so I'm just going to coast along, going through the motions until I die. I hate feeling like I missed out on something and there's nothing left for me except meaningless day-to-day ritual.

I hate people with obnoxious cell phone rings.

It's raining, and I'm hungry, and my bobby pin broke and now it has to get thrown out.

Seriously, though, if I don't get a good grade on this test, I'm quitting. Screw it. I'll go find something to do that doesn't require a college education. Like sheep farming in England. (I can have one of those little stone houses out on the moors.) Or I'll go to Weeki Watchee and be a mermaid. (Glub, glub, glub.)

I'll break myself out of this eventually. As soon as I hit up the vending machines for a sugar fix.

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