And about today.
May. 5th, 2003 10:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nirix5It’s very odd outside.
The sky is very gray and everything else is very green, making all the new leaves stand out unbelievably. It doesn’t look real at all- more like an oddly-lit movie set.
Still not feeling too good. Physically and mentally. I think it’s something that’s going around- everyone’s just sort of off.
I feel down cause of the whole “what are you going to do with your life” thing. See, it’s always been like this…Alex is the Actress, Kelsey is the Musician, James is the President, Liam is Rocket Science Smart and Melissa is a Dancer. Heather, meanwhile, is the Writer, but she has yet to reconcile herself to Words.
What I mean is that everyone else has a niche, and I don’t. I want one, badly, but so far it just seems like there’s nothing out there for me. I haven’t found a passion yet- it bothers me. I came close with ballet and skating, except for the very small fact that I started both too late in life to do anything worthwhile with it. I hate it when people say things like “Oh, you can do it later in life.” That’s bullshit. Yes, you can physically do it, a lot of companies won’t even audition you if you’re over a certain age without prior experience. Likewise, a coach might take you on, but due to your advanced age they won’t take you seriously, treating you like a recreational skater, thereby jipping you out of whatever teaching you need to really get anyplace. So. Here I am, with no little thing that is Just Heather’s.
And then there’s the whole stigma thing with my family- This person wants to be that, so you can’t do that. I mean, you can, and maybe I’m just imagining things, but there’s this kind of unspoken disapproval of stepping into someone else’s territory.
Which makes life A LITTLE BIT DIFFICULT.
GAH. I don’t know why I’m babbling about this except for the fact that I’m not particularly good at anything. Not bad, mind you. Just not outstandingly great. “Jack of all trades, master of none,” something like that. Except for with the Writing. But I don’t really want to be a Writer (like everyone is telling me to do.) Dammit! I want to be a Rock Star. (But I can’t sing.)
I’m pissed off at everything tonight. I tried to make icons, but they came out dumb, I haven’t eaten dinner yet, but I still feel sick, so eating’s up in the air. I don’t want to go to work tomorrow, since by going to work instead of to some college or other I feel like a failure; my head still hurts and my room is an icebox. Sometimes I just feel like I can’t win.
It’ll pass. Just gotta be patient, I guess.
But I’m sick of being patient. I want something to happen, something exciting. Anything other than this mire of abject stupidity!!! *hysterical laughter*
The sky is very gray and everything else is very green, making all the new leaves stand out unbelievably. It doesn’t look real at all- more like an oddly-lit movie set.
Still not feeling too good. Physically and mentally. I think it’s something that’s going around- everyone’s just sort of off.
I feel down cause of the whole “what are you going to do with your life” thing. See, it’s always been like this…Alex is the Actress, Kelsey is the Musician, James is the President, Liam is Rocket Science Smart and Melissa is a Dancer. Heather, meanwhile, is the Writer, but she has yet to reconcile herself to Words.
What I mean is that everyone else has a niche, and I don’t. I want one, badly, but so far it just seems like there’s nothing out there for me. I haven’t found a passion yet- it bothers me. I came close with ballet and skating, except for the very small fact that I started both too late in life to do anything worthwhile with it. I hate it when people say things like “Oh, you can do it later in life.” That’s bullshit. Yes, you can physically do it, a lot of companies won’t even audition you if you’re over a certain age without prior experience. Likewise, a coach might take you on, but due to your advanced age they won’t take you seriously, treating you like a recreational skater, thereby jipping you out of whatever teaching you need to really get anyplace. So. Here I am, with no little thing that is Just Heather’s.
And then there’s the whole stigma thing with my family- This person wants to be that, so you can’t do that. I mean, you can, and maybe I’m just imagining things, but there’s this kind of unspoken disapproval of stepping into someone else’s territory.
Which makes life A LITTLE BIT DIFFICULT.
GAH. I don’t know why I’m babbling about this except for the fact that I’m not particularly good at anything. Not bad, mind you. Just not outstandingly great. “Jack of all trades, master of none,” something like that. Except for with the Writing. But I don’t really want to be a Writer (like everyone is telling me to do.) Dammit! I want to be a Rock Star. (But I can’t sing.)
I’m pissed off at everything tonight. I tried to make icons, but they came out dumb, I haven’t eaten dinner yet, but I still feel sick, so eating’s up in the air. I don’t want to go to work tomorrow, since by going to work instead of to some college or other I feel like a failure; my head still hurts and my room is an icebox. Sometimes I just feel like I can’t win.
It’ll pass. Just gotta be patient, I guess.
But I’m sick of being patient. I want something to happen, something exciting. Anything other than this mire of abject stupidity!!! *hysterical laughter*
