Stupid day is stupid

[nirix5]

I've tried very hard to avoid the 9/11 nonsense. Hell, I've trying to avoid it since its second anniversary, because I find it trite, annoying, and a giant reopening of old wounds that just drives me crazy and makes me irrationally angry. I like my anger, though, as it's a very useful coping mechanism for me. This being the tenth anniversary and all, I've done everything I can to go to ground, since a lot of people don't understand why I get mad about them caterwauling about 9/11 and rememberance and all that crap, and it's easier for me not to deal with them, and them not to deal with me, and everyone goes home happy. Luckily (kind of? ugh) Binghamton has had to deal with catastrophic flooding since Wednesday, so all of the engergy that would normally go into 9/11 malingering has been going into, you know, flood relief and constructive stuff like that. Awesome.

So I figured I'd be okay if I just kind of hid out today. It was working well until I was halfway through dinner. I was flipping through channels on tv and came across the Princess Diaries. I was like, "Oh, this came out ten years ago, when I was still happy" and then I thought about life pre-9/11 and burst into tears with a hunk of garlic bread in my mouth. Choked on it and couldn't stop crying.

Thank god I'm vain. I thought about how stupid I must look and got myself under control.

Now I'm angry again. Fuck terrorists, and fuck 9/11. I lose my dignity for NO ONE. ARRRRRRRRRRRGH. FUCK.

Comments

[magelette.livejournal.com]

I think I'm a horrible person. I didn't think about it all day. I had sushi and thought that it might be the last time I enjoy sushi for a while, if we're gonna try again with the whole knocking me up thing. Ten years ago today, I was shocked, but I was mainly pissed off that I wasn't able to go to Disneyland with my sister, because I'd specifically saved up OT hours to take the day off to spend time with her. To this day, I still remember it as the day Disneyland closed -- for the first and last time in my life.

Maybe it was being on the West Coast instead of East. Maybe it was because, while Tim and I had been dating and I knew his mom saw the Towers fall, it just never really affected my life. Dad had to go to the airport that day to make sure all the Delta planes were locked down. But it's more of a cerebral memory for me, and less of an emotional one. Ask me about Challenger or Columbine or any of the big California quakes, and I can tell you. But this? 9/11? I feel like a heel because, to this day, I still feel resentment.

[nirix5.livejournal.com]

It's okay. Most west coasters didn't- and probably still don't- understand. I was in Arizona for college when it happened, and most of my friends were from AZ or CA. They were shocked and mildly interested, but could not for the life of them understand what I was so upset about- after all, everyone I was close to was physically fine. When days turned into weeks and I didn't "get better" (I was on the first plane out of Phoenix in October) they kind of wrote me off. They just didn't get it. Like most east coasters don't 'get' how scary earthquakes are. (Most- my family is the one exception, lol ;)

9/11 was really hard for my family. We lost two cousins and a handful of family friends- my Uncle Bill's son's fire company lost all their men except for Michael. It ripped my aunt and uncle's life apart in so many ways, and watching them do that slow burn over the past ten years has been hell. I think people that are closer to the whole thing are actually really quiet about it when the day rolls around- they mourn individually, privately, and try to get on with their lives. I'm so sick of people who had nothing to do with it getting all emotional and lighting candles and getting all smushy because... I don't know. Because. I remember seeing a sign held up by someone in Kosovo not too long after it happened: "You'll get over it. We did." That kind of put things into perspective. Americans think they're so special. They're not. The whole thing was stupid on so many levels, and uhhhhhhhhhghghghghghgg..... sorry. /rant

I'm glad you didn't think about it. I'm glad you're not mushy and emotional and tedious about it. Don't ever change. *hugs*

Also can I just say that the 9/11 relics in the Grand Corridor PISS ME RIGHT THE FUCK OFF. I know how early Christians must have felt!

Person A: "It's a holy relic! We will revere it and put it on display so everyone else can revere it too!"
Person B (who was buds with the martyr): "...It's Perpetua's left big toe. That's a little creepy and fucked up."
Person A: "I SAID WE'RE GONNA PUT IT ON DISPLAY AND REVERE IT!!!!!!!ELEVEN!!!"

Ugh.

[magelette.livejournal.com]

I still want to see the foreskin of Jesus. Any one of the several that are still on display in Europe.

Trust me, this cynical third generation Angelino will never change. Even when I start therapy on Tuesday. :P

I think that's the issue my mom still doesn't get about me: I refuse to be what society thinks I should. Which is an entire post in and of itself. But why try to take credit for tragedy that's not mine? I don't want borrowed tragedy. I have enough of my own. I feel sorry, and I feel sad for the loss, but I feel like a poser partaking in it. Just like I cried more for Christchurch than for Sendai -- in Christchurch, my cathedral fell. In Sendai, it's sad, but I have no personal connection.

[nirix5.livejournal.com]

Mmmmmm. I'd rather see the chocolate Jesus, and possibly eat him.

Heheh therapy... you'll rock it, I'm sure :)

I wish more people would acknowledge that it's okay not to borrow trouble and tragedy. There's too much. If you come out and say, "Earthquake in Haiti- that sucks, but I don't really care too much" you're branded some kind of thing that crawled out from under a rock. I'm so sick of that mentality.

[magelette.livejournal.com]

That's because the world rewards martyrs, which is why both my mother and mother-in-law (and my crackpot adviser) thrive on this whole martyrdom complex they've got going. They believe they'll be rewarded for borrowing trouble. I believe they'll drive me to an aneurism.

[nirix5.livejournal.com]

Someone wants to borrow trouble? I'll give 'em trouble. (insert really cool, Kill Bill-esque scene where I kill everybody DEAD. Neener, neener.)

(Also, M doesn't strike me as the martyr type. Is she really? We've kind of made friends in the office. I think. Mostly I'm manic and she laughs at me with a hysterical tinge in her voice.)

[magelette.livejournal.com]

At least she laughs at you. She still takes my death threats seriously, after two years of being my adviser.

I'll fill you in tomorrow. When do you get to campus? What're you doing between 11 and 12?

[nirix5.livejournal.com]

Bupkiss. Wanna do lunch? Or are those your office hours?

[magelette.livejournal.com]

Nada office hours tomorrow. I'm meeting L at 12:15 for Remedial Potions. I can text you when I'm done with les students at 11 and we can do lunchie whatevery.

[nirix5.livejournal.com]

Sweeto. Mind if I tag along for Potions?