nirix5: (sephiroth- bullshit and ponies)
"Ah, so close.
Just a tad, a trifling, a little more.
That's the story of your life, isn't it?"

- The King of All The Cosmos

nirix5: (vincent- so long and goodnight)
I'm sick of this. I can't do it for both of us when I can barely even get my shit together. I've got enough motivation to get me from day to day. It's fragmented, it's last minute, and there's a ton of shit on my plate.

Whatever. I wish we all just knew what we wanted.

Everyone is falling apart.
nirix5: (not listening)
It's all ups and downs. Got a 96 on my psychology test. We did the photography lab in criminalistics today, or the first part of it. I took a picture of my shoe and a storm drain, for lack of better material. [ profile] insaneartgurl brought Dylan to school today, and everyone loves him.

Took an anthropology test, and then spent the rest of the afternoon trussed up in a sari and purple fairy wings, pretending to be an angel gazing adoringly at a goth Mary and a kid Jesus with a fever. Then I got to wave a glittery piece of fabric around. This was all for Lisha's photo project; I'll post the pictures here when I get them. Even talked her into letting [ profile] neko_quinn be in a couple of frames, although she specified that he had to have his shirt off for them. Alas for me, she said he could leave his undershirt on. Thankfully I got some shirtless Quinn a little later, when I made him switch undershirts with me because his was nicer.

Bus, diner, fries, Quinn gnawed on my head, Dylan is cute and sleepy, let's bounce, sad panda face, cookie, bus, and here I am.

Dad walked in a little while ago, screaming about how there was no chicken-

(Um, hello. No one told me it was there- don't blame me because dinner isn't ready currently)

and screaming about his brother-

(Who had a stroke today and probably won't make it through the night)

and blah blah woof woof... the rest was the usual rant. Of course, he wants me to pick up Mom, who gets off of work at nine but doesn't get out of the fucking building until almost 9:30. Told him (after a rant that included the "you're not allowed to watch your favorite show... EVER!!!" at my sister) that CSI was new tonight. Also told him that I'd go but someone would have to tape it for me. Predictably, he pulled the martyr act and said to forget it.

Once upon a time, when he went into his rants, I would get angry right back at him, or be scared of him. Now, it all just makes me kind of tired and sad. My dad needs some serious help. He's carrying all of this incredibly deep-seated anger at [whatever] around, and he takes it all out on us. At this point in my life, I seem to have come to the mentality that runs along the lines of, "Look. This is your life. Your life, not mine. I'm not responsible for you choosing the actions that lead you to this point. You knew what the outcome had a chance of being, and you walked down that path anyway. Deal. Everyone else has to- stop blaming the rest of us for your shitty run of luck."

He was furious with me last year for pushing to register RIGHT NOW DAMMIT at OCC. Absolutely furious. I'm glad I've made the descisions I did, even if he views it as some sort of ungrateful personal betrayal. I saw where I was going to wind up, and I worked to change that outcome. Never regret, never look back.

Now I'm just kind of tired and apathetic, and all I want to do is go to sleep.

nirix5: (Default)
Mom and I got our checks from the church today. I was kind of worried about depositing mine, since I'm about fifty dollars overdrawn. But Mom said that she was going to put hers in Dad's account, so I just cashed mine, and I was all yay! for a little while. Until I got home, when she told me that Dad said that I have to put her check in my account. So now, I'm all, dammit. Fifty dollars gone in one swell foop.

I hate money. A lot.

I managed to work myself into a horrific kind of mood again. I went from talking to Quinn about apartment stuff to walking to the bank. On the way to the bank I pretty much decided that I should stick to my original plans at all costs and not change any of them. This, of course, made me miserable. The walk back wasn't any better.

I'm still feeling kind of out-of-sorts about everything. I don't know if I'm overwhelmed, or stressed, or having a bad reaction to life changes, or what. I talked about it with Jason the other day, and it helped, but only for a while. I just can't shake this feeling that everything is going to blow the hell up right in my face.

Whatever. I figure I'll give this next year a shot, and whatever happens, happens. Hey, at least I've got a fallback plan or two, right?

Maybe I've gone batshit crazy insane and am only just now realizing it...
nirix5: (Default)
Mother's Day is tomorrow, but sadly for Mom, the Lilac Ninja won't bring her lots of flower tonight. The lilacs aren't out yet, which means that I can't steal them from other people's yards. Alas.

However, I bought her a potted azalea at Sam's Club earlier, and we've got lots of Mother's Day cards (left over from last year, when we forgot to use them.)

I've spent the last two hours doing obscure research. I didn't even realize that it got dark out.

Cut for relationship details that you may or may not be interested in. )
nirix5: (Default)
Instead of working on my English paper like I'm supposed to I went back and looked over a bunch of journal entries from when I was all fucked up.

*am not fucked up anymore (I think) huzzah!*

It was very odd, reading those entries. Not so much for what they say as for what they bring to mind. Anyway, onwards.

Tentative schedule for next semester:

Monday, Wednesday, Friday

8:00-8:50 Special Investigations
9:00-9:50 Chemistry 104
10:00-10:50 Intro to Psychology
1:30-2:20 Algebra


11:30-12:20 Chemistry 104 Recitation


6:00-8:45 PM Criminal Investigations

Tuesday, Thursday

8:00-9:15 Criminalistics I
2:00-3:50 Ballroom Dancing


11:00-1:50 Chemistry 104 Lab

Note to Manda and Jason: That's the only ballroom dancing course offered. So if we want to take it together, Manda, then we've got to switch psych classes. I just picked a random one that fit in with the rest of my schedule.

Gah. So that's what... six classes plus lab and recitation; should be about... shit, only 17 credits. That's because ballroom dancing only counts for one. Fuck it; I really can't jam any more into this schedule and get a job on top of it all. I guess what I can't do in the fall I can get a jump start on in the summer. I think I'm going to take anthropology during the second 5 week summer session. Counting that class in with fall's credits ups me to 20 credits. That's doable.

After this semester I'll have 33 credits
After next semester I'll have 53 credits

...and that's so close to graduating it's not even funny. I really should try to jam it all in but at this point, I just don't want to. Canton will still be there the fall after next, and if it's not, then I'll just go to John Jay or try for GWU. Although I'm not so sure about GWU now that I've pretty much decided that I don't want to be in a lab at all, and I think that's what their program is geared for. Still considering it for my Master's, though.

In the meantime, there's the whole apartment drama thing to sort out. I found two that are close to school- one is a two bedroom for $550/mo., the other is a one bedroom for $400/mo. This is almost entirely contingent on how much money I make this summer, but I think I might be able to swing it. Might might might might might. Needless to say, my father blows a gasket at the very thought of it. On one hand I don't blame him, but on the other... living in Baldwinsville is just too damn out of the way. Having a car is too expensive- I'd be paying as much in gas and insurance as I would in rent per month to move closer to school. *facedesk* Gah. I don't even want to think about it right this second.

I have no idea how in the fuck I'm going to fit dance in on top of everything. And other inconsequential things, like sleep and possibly eating.

Whatever. Pacing yourself is for sissies, right?

[Note to self: don't forget algebra/trig/Greek/Latin on own time]
[Note to self again: don't forget about French and start Japanese]


Mar. 2nd, 2005 08:28 am
nirix5: (Default)
Made myself totally and completely miserable this morning by thinking too much.

Does anyone else ever do that? Start thinking about a certain topic (skating) because of something random (an icon I saw yesterday) and one thought leads to another (burnouts, ex-boyfriends, where you are now, where you're going; why you can't go back to some places and you can never, never step foot in others) and you just wind up in the mental dumpster?

On top of it all, my throat is starting to hurt. It's weird- just around the edges, kind of, just under my jawline. It feels like it's going to hurt when I swallow, but it doesn't, at least not yet. But Jesus. Strep throat is something that I just don't need right now.

Mom and I watched the NYPD Blue thing last night. Well, I watched part of the first half and then went to bed.

They show an awful lot of ass on that show.

nirix5: (Default)
I would just about sell my soul for some food-food right now. Food-food being something that doesn't involve copious amounts of preservatives. Couscous, for instance. Or salade Nicoise.

However, all the forseeable future holds is french fries and cocoa, as usual, and maybe leftover ramen if I'm lucky and no one has eaten it yet.

In other news, I'm killing real people in fanfiction. Which is really creepy to write, I've discovered.


You know, it's extremely odd when you're walking down the hallway and suddenly the thought hits you that you're going to be a cop one day.


I got an A+ on my Sociology test. Yay?
nirix5: (shower; crumpets)
"The Sound Of" Jann Arden

I will not live my life like a ghost in this town
I am not lonely swear to God I'm just alone
I'm back on my feet
I can just close my eyes and forget everything
My house is empty every memory blown away

Oh the sound of the wind throught my bones makes me laugh
at all the bodies I kissed and never knew
Oh the soung of a lover's sympathy falling down to the floor
just barely out of reach from me

No I will not go back
every word thats been hiding inside of my head is running blindly
look behind me nothing's left
I can sit in a room
I can hear myself breathing and be quite amused
life is simple like the wrinkles on my skin

Oh the sound of the wind through my heart makes me glad
for all the ones that never knew my name
Oh the sound of a lover's sympathy
I had to go could not stay here
they were always out of reach from me

"Silence" Delirium feat. Sarah McLachlan

Give me release
witness me
I am outside
give me peace

Heaven holds a sense of wonder
and I wanted to believe
that I'd get caught up
when the rage in me subsides

In this white wave
I am sinking
in this silence
in this white wave
in this silence
I believe

Passion chokes the flower
'til she cries no more
possessing all the beauty
hungry still for more

Heaven holds a sense of wonder...

I can't help this longing
comfort me
I can't hold it all in
if you won't let me

Heaven holds a sense of wonder...

In this white wave
I am sinking
in this silence
in this white wave
in this silence
I believe

I have seen you
in this white wave
you are silent
you are breathing
in this white wave
I am free

It's amazing how so much can change, how so much can happen, without anything changing or happening at all. It's strange that I keep looking over my shoulder when I don't have to anymore, and realizing that I never had to in the first place. It's boxing yourself into the corner and then the walls falling away.

I feel so odd nowadays.

I guess I'm turning into someone else again... I feel very grown up for the first time in my life.

Bitterness is burning bridges that were never built. And then learning that the water is much more beautiful than a brige anyway, and if there had been a bridge there, you wouldn't have wanted to cross it.

All right. Give me my wings. I think I'm ready for them now.
nirix5: (me!)
I thought I had a biology test yesterday, but I didn't. Kind of disappointing, considering the fact that I actually studied for it. Bah. Guess I'll just study some more and keep perpetually on the edge of my seat until I take it.

I came to two very important decisions last night, standing in a crowded bathroom after class; that just seems to lend the whole thing more weight, somehow. Like, I've just made a few potentially life-altering choices, and that person was peeing while I did it.

Firstly, I've decided to leave my teeth the way they are. My plans for braces are out the window. Financially it didn't make much sense, not at this point. I'm not going to have seven or eight grand to spend anytime in the next five or six years, so fuck it.

Secondly, I'm going to start dancing again. Really training, too, not the half-assed pansy shit that I've been calling dancing for the last three years. Honestly, I don't care if I ever perform with a company, but I'm going to train like I'm planning on it. This is mostly for the benefit of my sanity. There has to be something to balance the calculus out. The jury's still out on skating, however. I miss it horribly- even been dreaming about it lately, which is never a good sign- but I can't go back. Not yet. Maybe if there was a rink where I didn't know anyone, and could just start over, it would be different. I might start again when I move to New York.

Speaking of which, I'm going down over Columbus Day Weekend (barring emergencies and stupidity.) While I'm there, my advisor told me I should make appointments at Pace and John Jay for the whole "hi-I-want-to-transfer-to-your-school-what-do-I-need-to-do" thing. So... yay?

Yay. Hell yeah, yay. It's Friday, and I have the afternoon off. I hope you guys all have nice weekends!
nirix5: (Default)
The point of that last post was that I was thinking more about Numenor than cards. Or Spike. Or anything else. And I was falling asleep.

I'm no good at cards.
nirix5: (Default)
It’s very odd outside.

The sky is very gray and everything else is very green, making all the new leaves stand out unbelievably. It doesn’t look real at all- more like an oddly-lit movie set.

Still not feeling too good. Physically and mentally. I think it’s something that’s going around- everyone’s just sort of off.

I feel down cause of the whole “what are you going to do with your life” thing. See, it’s always been like this…Alex is the Actress, Kelsey is the Musician, James is the President, Liam is Rocket Science Smart and Melissa is a Dancer. Heather, meanwhile, is the Writer, but she has yet to reconcile herself to Words.

What I mean is that everyone else has a niche, and I don’t. I want one, badly, but so far it just seems like there’s nothing out there for me. I haven’t found a passion yet- it bothers me. I came close with ballet and skating, except for the very small fact that I started both too late in life to do anything worthwhile with it. I hate it when people say things like “Oh, you can do it later in life.” That’s bullshit. Yes, you can physically do it, a lot of companies won’t even audition you if you’re over a certain age without prior experience. Likewise, a coach might take you on, but due to your advanced age they won’t take you seriously, treating you like a recreational skater, thereby jipping you out of whatever teaching you need to really get anyplace. So. Here I am, with no little thing that is Just Heather’s.

And then there’s the whole stigma thing with my family- This person wants to be that, so you can’t do that. I mean, you can, and maybe I’m just imagining things, but there’s this kind of unspoken disapproval of stepping into someone else’s territory.

Which makes life A LITTLE BIT DIFFICULT.

GAH. I don’t know why I’m babbling about this except for the fact that I’m not particularly good at anything. Not bad, mind you. Just not outstandingly great. “Jack of all trades, master of none,” something like that. Except for with the Writing. But I don’t really want to be a Writer (like everyone is telling me to do.) Dammit! I want to be a Rock Star. (But I can’t sing.)

I’m pissed off at everything tonight. I tried to make icons, but they came out dumb, I haven’t eaten dinner yet, but I still feel sick, so eating’s up in the air. I don’t want to go to work tomorrow, since by going to work instead of to some college or other I feel like a failure; my head still hurts and my room is an icebox. Sometimes I just feel like I can’t win.

It’ll pass. Just gotta be patient, I guess.

But I’m sick of being patient. I want something to happen, something exciting. Anything other than this mire of abject stupidity!!! *hysterical laughter*
nirix5: (Default)
It's just one of those nights that I could really use twelve hundred cc's of raw power between my legs. You know?

I miss the desert.

I miss the way the sun would set over Phoenix. I miss the highways where no one drives under seventy, and I can't wait to hit them on a motorcycle. I miss seeing the fire mountain with all its cell and radio towers, and how heading in that direction meant that you were heading towards home. I miss watching the cars go screaming by from the top of the sound barrier.

I feel like I could fly right now, but somewhere along the line I misplaced my wings.

This song is NOT helping.

how can you see into my eyes like open doors
leading you down into my core
where i've become so numb
without a soul
my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back

wake me up inside
wake me up inside
call my name and save me from the dark
bid my blood to run
before i come undone
save me from the nothing i've become

now that i know what i'm without
you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life

wake me up inside
wake me up inside
call my name and save me from the dark
bid my blood to run
before i come undone
save me from the nothing i've become
bring me to life

frozen inside
without your touch
without your love darling
only you are the life
among the dead

all this time i can't believe i couldn't see
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
i've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
without a thought without a voice without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life

nirix5: (Default)
You know the teddy bear you had when you were little, not the one that you loved to pieces, but the extra present leftover from Christmas that you never played with? The one that got used for target practice, the occasional tea-party and/or audience fill in, or doorstop? The one that you kept around to amuse your little cousins when you babysit them, that the cat just puked on last night except you didn't find out till now and it's all gross?

Yeah. That would be me, right about now.

No reason in particular, I suppose. Work is great- I'm making widgets and googles and thingys, but I have yet to be bored. I love doing stuff like that, where my hands are busy but my mind is free to think and no one talks to me much. Of course there are only three of us working there, but I digress.

Legolas left me temporarily. He was replaced by Gollum, who followed me to the water fountain begging for cookies. I found the stupid git (Legolas, not Gollum) playing with a silicon injector that I had been using a little bit later. But I like Gollum, so that wasn't a problem.

Mom made me a Special Donut at work, with tons of chocolate icing. Yummmmmers.

I haven't read any sad books.
I haven't read any angsty fanfic.
Or listened to angsty music.
I got enough sleep
but not enough to drink.


A ten year old girl hit a man's car with a snowball. He went in the house, got a gun, and shot her in the head.

I hate the world sometimes.
nirix5: (Default)
Short entry, as I'm kinda blue, and have to go to bed since I'm working with Mom tomorrow. I don't know. Some days, you just feel the time passing, and seeing things change is just... that. An ellipse. It's not quite depressing- it's sad, but it's clean, in a way. Natural.

I wish I was Brazillian, sometimes. No, not because of Rafael. Sheesh. Their insatiable love of life is intoxicating. As is the way they dance. They are the most beautiful people.

The Elves can keep their immortality. Think about it- they live forever, and lives of men are as brief as a candle flame to them. But dammit, at least we burn. And even if it's short, it's spectacular.

D'a lic'enca um momento
Te lembr'o
Que amanha
Ser'a tudo ou ser'a naoa
Depende, cora,cao
Ser'a breve ou ser'a grande
Depende da paixao
Ser'a sujo, ser'a sonho
Cuidado, cora,cao
Ser'a 'util, ser'a tarde
Se esmera, cora,cao
E confia
Na for,ca do amanha

Excuse me, one moment
I remind you
That tomorrow
It will be all or it will be nothing
It depends, heart
It will be brief or it will be great
It depends on the passion
It will be dirty, it will be a dream
Be careful, heart
It will be useful, it will be late
Do your best, heart
And have trust
In the power of tomorrow)

"Spirit Voices" ~Paul Simon
nirix5: (Default)
For me, water is essential.

I don't do well in an environment without it, as I learned in Arizona. As much as I love Phoenix, I could barely survive there six months before I started having flashbacks of water on buses. I need oceans and rivers, lakes and streams and rain and those deep green forests that you only find in rainy places. I need shade and maple trees.

I was born on an island. My grandmother told me that since I was born so close to the sea I would always need to be close to it, just like her and my mother and my aunts. I was sailing up and down the east coast before I could walk. Even in Central New York, although I miss the ocean terribly, there's enough water here for me to do well. Lakes in whichever direction you decide to take, plus the woods I love so much.

Which is why I find it strange that for someone who needs water so badly to function, I am highly allergic to it.

This was going somewhere at some point, but it doesn't matter now.
nirix5: (Default)
I sit down at the computer every day, with the intention of writing something, and wind up staring at the screen for hours on end.

“Oh, Heather, you should write, blah blah, you’ve got such a talent for it, but you shouldn’t write fanfics,” is something I’m sick to death of hearing.

I don’t know why I’m seemingly incapable of writing something original. Fanfics I can think up one after the other, no problem, but try to do something that’s your own and you hit a wall, you know?

So mom tells me just to change a few details. Oh, yes, I can see exactly how this is going to go. “Fuck-head and So-and-So had to go on an important mission to the land of Oogerbooger to destroy the Magical Necklace of The Goddess of Death, which, as every other bauble know to mankind, had some kind of horrible power and if it fell into the wrong hands the world was going to end. Or maybe it was a crystal… The Black Imperial Gemstone of Doom? Or how about the Baseball cap from Hell? Anyway, Fuck-Head and So-and-So met up with a Mysterious Stranger, and they fell into a trap, like, three times, before they finally destroy the thing. Oh, and by the way, one of them dies a heroic death so… yeah.”

Please, show me the originality.

I’m just pissed because I’m almost twenty and I have absolutely nothing to show for it, except for a few bad paintings. Well, they’re not bad. I consider them quite mediocre, just like everything else I do or have done. I’m not bad at anything, I’m just average, which we all know is worse than bad.

So fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I feel like crying but I’m not gonna because emotions don’t exist and anything pertaining to them is A) psychobabble or B) mumbo-jumbo, and should be avoided at all costs.

I don’t know. I just don’t know. Fuck.
nirix5: (Default)
Every time I come back from someplace I've been for an extended period of time, I always wind up lonely and listening to Alicia Keys and looking for meaningfulness (is that a word?) in the glow of street lights.

Not that it's a bad thing, I guess. I'm lonely but never really unhappy about it- so much more could be going wrong, so what's a little bit of solitude with good music and some atmospheric lighting? Nothing that I can't handle.

The only downside is I think a little bit too much. This whole impending war with Iraq bothers me. Hell, alot bothers me, but I don't think I'll elaborate on that in this journal. Doesn't seem prudent and all, considering we're now living in what amounts to the beginnings of a police state.

I think I will have decided on a course of action on my twentieth birthday. I've given myself till then to figure out what I'm going to do.

Cryptic? Maybe. I'm not feeling all the way human right now. I haven't been for the past week or so. It comes and it goes, but I think I'm going out for a walk in the woods before I go to sleep tonight.


nirix5: (Default)

August 2014

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