Blathering about my psychology
May. 7th, 2005 09:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nirix5Mother's Day is tomorrow, but sadly for Mom, the Lilac Ninja won't bring her lots of flower tonight. The lilacs aren't out yet, which means that I can't steal them from other people's yards. Alas.
However, I bought her a potted azalea at Sam's Club earlier, and we've got lots of Mother's Day cards (left over from last year, when we forgot to use them.)
I've spent the last two hours doing obscure research. I didn't even realize that it got dark out.
All the stuff I've been looking up pretains to certain aspects of my own life that've come up lately. It's a very weird feeling, because the more I read about it, the more I want to act on it. I look at different communities and sites and think, "I could get very, very involved in this." My enthusiasm for this particular subject has a habit of scaring me. Well, maybe not my interest, but the fact that I'm finally acknowledging it on anything more than a very, very buried and walled up psychological level. My very carefully built, very strong walls are starting to crumble. Big time.
He joked about it once, when it came up in conversation, pretending to go through my rulebook. "Nope. That's gotta go. Change that one! Rip this page out entirely and start over. Throw those bricks away." It's crazy- totally, totally crazy- but he's actually done that to me. Sometimes I don't know if I can handle it. My life, for the past two months or so, has done a complete 180 in just about every direction. Everything I thought was pretty much written in stone has turned out to be more or less the opposite. It's great, except for dealing with my overwhelming fear of getting close to people in this sort of context. It's not that easy to handle, and every once in a while I wind up on the business end of a hyperventilation episode. But hey, just because I'm scared of skating forwards doesn't mean I can't do beautiful spirals, right? Fear is okay as long as it's mastered. Now I'm just transferring that to the relationship part of my life.
But re: research, which is what I was initially rambling about... I don't know. I guess the point is that I'm beyond happy in this relationship, and I'm thrilled with where it's headed. But sometimes I worry that I'm going to get too into it, too fast, and that he's going to be like, "Whoa. Slow down." At which point I will definitely break out the "you-started-its." I mean, I know he won't do that. But I'm interested in the psychology aspect of it all in addition to the physical aspect. I haven't talked with him about that so much. Part of me doesn't even want to bring it up. (Which is really stupid, since he's got a journal and can check his friends list any time he wants to and read this. But I don't think he uses his journal that much.) But talking about the psychological aspects of this with Jason has got me to thinking about it a lot. I don't know. I feel like I'm rediscovering myself, or who I thought I was, or something. And I think I don't want to scare him away with that aspect of me, rather than something that's going on with the relationship.
At least he cleared up my confusion on the whole Thing. Which is good, really, really good...
I realize this is a kind of vague journal entry, as I'm not directly addressing what I'm talking about. Also, it's a kind of cumulative entry, since I've been skirting around writing about this stuff for like forever. Sorry about that. A lot of people don't realize just how edited this journal really is.
Anyway, thanks for bearing with me. I needed to write this stuff down and get it off my chest.
However, I bought her a potted azalea at Sam's Club earlier, and we've got lots of Mother's Day cards (left over from last year, when we forgot to use them.)
I've spent the last two hours doing obscure research. I didn't even realize that it got dark out.
All the stuff I've been looking up pretains to certain aspects of my own life that've come up lately. It's a very weird feeling, because the more I read about it, the more I want to act on it. I look at different communities and sites and think, "I could get very, very involved in this." My enthusiasm for this particular subject has a habit of scaring me. Well, maybe not my interest, but the fact that I'm finally acknowledging it on anything more than a very, very buried and walled up psychological level. My very carefully built, very strong walls are starting to crumble. Big time.
He joked about it once, when it came up in conversation, pretending to go through my rulebook. "Nope. That's gotta go. Change that one! Rip this page out entirely and start over. Throw those bricks away." It's crazy- totally, totally crazy- but he's actually done that to me. Sometimes I don't know if I can handle it. My life, for the past two months or so, has done a complete 180 in just about every direction. Everything I thought was pretty much written in stone has turned out to be more or less the opposite. It's great, except for dealing with my overwhelming fear of getting close to people in this sort of context. It's not that easy to handle, and every once in a while I wind up on the business end of a hyperventilation episode. But hey, just because I'm scared of skating forwards doesn't mean I can't do beautiful spirals, right? Fear is okay as long as it's mastered. Now I'm just transferring that to the relationship part of my life.
But re: research, which is what I was initially rambling about... I don't know. I guess the point is that I'm beyond happy in this relationship, and I'm thrilled with where it's headed. But sometimes I worry that I'm going to get too into it, too fast, and that he's going to be like, "Whoa. Slow down." At which point I will definitely break out the "you-started-its." I mean, I know he won't do that. But I'm interested in the psychology aspect of it all in addition to the physical aspect. I haven't talked with him about that so much. Part of me doesn't even want to bring it up. (Which is really stupid, since he's got a journal and can check his friends list any time he wants to and read this. But I don't think he uses his journal that much.) But talking about the psychological aspects of this with Jason has got me to thinking about it a lot. I don't know. I feel like I'm rediscovering myself, or who I thought I was, or something. And I think I don't want to scare him away with that aspect of me, rather than something that's going on with the relationship.
At least he cleared up my confusion on the whole Thing. Which is good, really, really good...
I realize this is a kind of vague journal entry, as I'm not directly addressing what I'm talking about. Also, it's a kind of cumulative entry, since I've been skirting around writing about this stuff for like forever. Sorry about that. A lot of people don't realize just how edited this journal really is.
Anyway, thanks for bearing with me. I needed to write this stuff down and get it off my chest.
