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nirix5A long rant!
Yesterday I saw La Boheme with Mrs. Orth. It was great. It was wonderful. Musetta rocks. And I got to wear my tiara. But as wonderful as opera is and as much as I love singing it, I just doesn't move me the way some other music does.
I was thinking about this last night before going to sleep, listening to "Love Ridden." Fiona Apple's music to me olds very few happy memories. "When the Pawn-" to me is all black and cold red, winter higways at night. There's something about it that draws out the bitterness in me. "Tidal" is much the same- that's Greenport and the Skyline and the Verrazano Bridge from Aunt Dar's apartment, that last summer we were all together before she died. The Sound was constantly foggy and hazy, not a clear day the whole week. One day Aunt Dar and I were sitting on the veranda. I was trying to write down the lyrics to "Never is a Promise" and she started to tell me something- after a few minutes of listening to two things at the same time I asked her to hold on a second, just so I could finish copying the song. She got kind of upset "I know, how interesting are an old woman's ramblings anyway..." I felt bad but I finished what I was doing. I can't even remember what she was talking about and now I can never apologize. I'll never forgive myself for that.
"Tidal" is also winter; it's driving to the Skaneateles Invitational lying in the back of the old work van so the cops wouldn't pull us over for not wearing seatbelts. It was gray, the snow, the sky, everything. And blue. The inside of the van was blue, my program music was blue, the ice I was thinking about was blue- and my dress was blue, the one I left at home by accident! So there's fear there too, the I'm-an-hour-away-from-home-I-have-to-be-on-the-ice-in-twenty-minutes-I-have-no-dress-I-can't-skate-in-jeans-what-the-fuck-am-I-going-to-do type of dread that just settles in your chest and doesn't leave till the whole thing is over.
Rent is different. I probably bore people talking about it. I know Tom doesn't want to hear about it anymore. But it makes me want to dance. Dance and fly. Especially "Contact". I could just be horny, since that song is so blatantly sexual, but that's not it. That guitar solo is jumping off the side of the Grand Canyon, not an orgasm.
Aida is another favorite. "Dance of the Robe" and "The Gods Love Nubia" are the best songs on there. I listen to them when I go on the swings down at the park. They're flying songs- if I wasn't stuck in this stupid weak body I would fly, listening to them. They just carry you. It's better than anything. Justin said something to me once about my sex life (or lack thereof) and he was like, "Hey, you don't need a guy, you've got righty and lefty." What nobody gets is that I don't need sex. I've got swings, that's better. Soaring through the air with an incredible song in your head takes you places that another person never can.
That's why I don't feel human half the time, I guess. There's always something else in my head, something more primitive, more powerful. Music, dance, moving my hips like a belly dancer just for the joy of it. And then there's the rage. It's so far past anger, a fire without purpose. But shh, don't tell anyone, it's a secret, no one's supposed to know about that. It's power, and I know that I can hold it if I can figure out how. And that is what scares me.
And if you read this far I don't know whether I should be thrilled or worried.
Goodbye, I go to the swings and to Heaven.
Yesterday I saw La Boheme with Mrs. Orth. It was great. It was wonderful. Musetta rocks. And I got to wear my tiara. But as wonderful as opera is and as much as I love singing it, I just doesn't move me the way some other music does.
I was thinking about this last night before going to sleep, listening to "Love Ridden." Fiona Apple's music to me olds very few happy memories. "When the Pawn-" to me is all black and cold red, winter higways at night. There's something about it that draws out the bitterness in me. "Tidal" is much the same- that's Greenport and the Skyline and the Verrazano Bridge from Aunt Dar's apartment, that last summer we were all together before she died. The Sound was constantly foggy and hazy, not a clear day the whole week. One day Aunt Dar and I were sitting on the veranda. I was trying to write down the lyrics to "Never is a Promise" and she started to tell me something- after a few minutes of listening to two things at the same time I asked her to hold on a second, just so I could finish copying the song. She got kind of upset "I know, how interesting are an old woman's ramblings anyway..." I felt bad but I finished what I was doing. I can't even remember what she was talking about and now I can never apologize. I'll never forgive myself for that.
"Tidal" is also winter; it's driving to the Skaneateles Invitational lying in the back of the old work van so the cops wouldn't pull us over for not wearing seatbelts. It was gray, the snow, the sky, everything. And blue. The inside of the van was blue, my program music was blue, the ice I was thinking about was blue- and my dress was blue, the one I left at home by accident! So there's fear there too, the I'm-an-hour-away-from-home-I-have-to-be-on-the-ice-in-twenty-minutes-I-have-no-dress-I-can't-skate-in-jeans-what-the-fuck-am-I-going-to-do type of dread that just settles in your chest and doesn't leave till the whole thing is over.
Rent is different. I probably bore people talking about it. I know Tom doesn't want to hear about it anymore. But it makes me want to dance. Dance and fly. Especially "Contact". I could just be horny, since that song is so blatantly sexual, but that's not it. That guitar solo is jumping off the side of the Grand Canyon, not an orgasm.
Aida is another favorite. "Dance of the Robe" and "The Gods Love Nubia" are the best songs on there. I listen to them when I go on the swings down at the park. They're flying songs- if I wasn't stuck in this stupid weak body I would fly, listening to them. They just carry you. It's better than anything. Justin said something to me once about my sex life (or lack thereof) and he was like, "Hey, you don't need a guy, you've got righty and lefty." What nobody gets is that I don't need sex. I've got swings, that's better. Soaring through the air with an incredible song in your head takes you places that another person never can.
That's why I don't feel human half the time, I guess. There's always something else in my head, something more primitive, more powerful. Music, dance, moving my hips like a belly dancer just for the joy of it. And then there's the rage. It's so far past anger, a fire without purpose. But shh, don't tell anyone, it's a secret, no one's supposed to know about that. It's power, and I know that I can hold it if I can figure out how. And that is what scares me.
And if you read this far I don't know whether I should be thrilled or worried.
Goodbye, I go to the swings and to Heaven.
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no subject
Date: 2002-10-29 05:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-10-29 06:15 pm (UTC)AAAAAAHHHHH! RENT!
Date: 2002-10-29 07:36 am (UTC)Re: AAAAAAHHHHH! RENT!
Date: 2002-10-29 06:49 pm (UTC)You know it.
no subject
Date: 2002-10-29 12:42 pm (UTC)I think that's why we've always gotten along so well... even in those deep dark places, we're similar, to a point.
We're going to take it all over one day, sumi-chan. One day. Love.
no subject
Date: 2002-10-29 06:52 pm (UTC)