Rant. You've been warned.

[nirix5]

It's the rant that's been a while in coming, since I'm kind of a slow cooker. But whatever. This week was just kind of the last straw, or something, excpet it wasn't, because nothing will change much.

Okay. I'm applying to Cornell, right? Now, I've got the grades for it, and I've got an awesome recommendation, but I need to retake the SAT's becuase the fucking scores got lost. Yeah, whatever, I can scrounge up $40 somehow. Not as easy as it sounds, considering I don't have enough money to take the bus anywhere half the time and am constantly going through couch cushions for quarters. Which is also driving me nuts, becuase living in this house is fucking hard- I pay the cheapest rent and I can barely do it, what with food costs, laundry, incidentals, bus money, utilities, and cable. I have not had any money since the end of last semester, since I had to do Kate and Jean's weddings, and I don't begrudge them that AT ALL, but I'm still feeling that- I can't get ahead. For Kate's wedding I filled Jer's gas tank like three times, and didn't bug him for the $20 I lent him because I put the tolls on his EZ-Pass. Jeannette's wedding was an awesome time but I got back almost $200 overdrawn and I STILL owe Quinn almost $1000, which he hasn't said anything about, really, but I know he wants it back. Half of my student loan goes straight to him in November. I'm not complaining or anything, it just is what it is, but how the hell can you recover from something like that? So, none of you are allowed to get married while I'm still in school. Anyway, the upshot is, I have ABSOLUTELY NO MONEY. I don't have enough to ship Kristen's box, which I mentally flog myself over everyday, because she's awesome and I feel like I've shafted her. I don't even have stamp money, since I need all my change for the bus, and every time I get some together the post office is closed and you can't buy single stamps around her anymore which is fucking RETARDED. Gerard misses out too, since he's in boot camp and his mom called me with his address but I can't really write to him like I want to. Which just makes me more depressed because I put stupid things like cereal or whatever ahead of my friends. My mind knows that it's stupid, and they'd probably understand, but I'm too much of a coward to talk to them about it, because dammit, they should have their stuff by now! The only upshot is, I guess, that I've added things to Kristen's box here and there. I brought her back some stuff from Vegas. She probably thinks I hate her. Kristen, if you ever read this, I don't hate you. I'm just a giant moron. This whole situation makes me hate myself a little bit more each day.

So I'm going out of my mind. More on that later. Back to the SAT thing.

John let me take out a loan for the fee amound on payroll. I had until September 29th to register for the test online, or get the money postmarked. I was just going to do it online, because hey! Debit cards are easy like that! The checks cleared at like, midnight on the 27th. I check that in the morning and go to school. Later on, I'm in the breakfast line with Katie, and OH NOES, my debit card is not in my pocket. Katie bails me out and buys my food for me, and then I call Quinn and ask him to look around the bedroom and see if it's there. No luck. I figure it must have fallen out of my pocket on the bus or something, and wind up calling the bank to report it lost. They cancel it immediately and send a new one out which should get here sometime next week. Meanwhile, I'm like, WTF am I going to do about the stupid test deadline? Mull over it all day and am still thinking about it when I walk through the door later that night and what the fuck do you suppose is on the fucking floor right in the middle of one of the rare cleared spots? MY FUCKING DEBIT CARD. Called the bank back, but the told me that the cancellation was final and that I was pretty much screwed. Then my dad calls me and tells me that he put two checks that came in the mail for me into my account (Christie's mom did my taxes for me and I got some money back.) So now I actually have a surplus of money in my account, and NO WAY TO GET TO IT. I have to physically go to the bank and withdraw it, which wouldn't be a problem except that I don't have a car and am scheduled way too tightly to get there during breaks with class or work.

And I'm still fucked to take the SAT's, which means that I can't get the scores to Cornell by the application date, which means I'm fucked for that. It's like god or someone is trying to tell me something.

The financial shit would be bearable if my parents, especially my dad, weren't always gently harping on me to move back home. They hated the fact that I moved out in the first place, and now it's the whole I-Told-You-So thing mixed with "I fixed up your room! We'll get you internet! You won't have to pay rent/utilities/laundry/food/etc" and "So your mother told me you wanted to move back home."

(I also told her that I might wind up dropping out of school because of these stupid headaches. Yay for selective information.)

But even if I wanted to move home (and I don't, really) I kind of can't. I told Quinn I'd stay till the lease was up, and the way the rooms are set up, they can't really get another roommate and no one can cover my portion of the rent. I'm not going to fuck Quinn over like that.

And living here ain't a damn basket of peaches. I'm the kind of sounding board and go-between for everyone, especially Jer and Christie, because they get spooked around each other and can't really talk. Plus I do the vast majority of the cleaning, and I cook on top of that which isn't a bother, it's just something I have to do. Otherwise we'd all be eating microwave food and if I did that I would probably die. My system's not set up to handle it. And there's the usual sleep struggle with getting Quinn of the computer; but then, lots of things are a struggle with his stupid stubborn ass, so what's really different there? Nothing.

Going out of my mind intellectually, too. I'm almost bored. It's like when I go to my grandmother's house and there's nowhere to sit because everthing is dirty, kind of. That's what my mind is like. My mind has nowhere to sit and it's driving me crazy.

My head hurts. I missed three classes last week because of that. Painkillers don't work anymore. NyQuil doesn't work. It just kind of makes me drunk and sleepy. I didn't go to French, sat out the majority of Philosophy, and said fuck it to Pilates, because I woke up with a headache Friday and couldn't stomach the thought of moving or looking up at the halogen lights in the gym, which hurt even with my eyes closed. However, headaches don't matter. I don't think there's much I can do about them. I can't afford to go to the doctor again, and even if I could, I couldn't afford the bloodwork, MRI, and CT scans he was talking about. If it's sinus, like my dad thinks, it will never go away, and if it's TMJ, like my mom thinks, the only cure is to get braces, which I can't afford. So, I'm fucked with the headaches.

Seriously?

I don't care about anything anymore. Maybe I got it all out in this entry, and now I can go to being numb and indifferent.

Maybe I'm just tired and cold.

I have to go cook dinner now.

On the bright side, Christie bought me a CSI hat (just like Sara's!!!) at the farmer's market. And Quinn's parents had us over for dinner last night and they made SWORDFISH OMG WHICH IS JUST MY FAVORITE EVER!!!!!

Also, at some point I can now buy a new pair of shoes. Mine are full of holes, and I'm sick of my feet getting wet. This will be awesome beyond all human comprehension.