Pensive-ness

[nirix5]

I think I need to go away for a little while. I've been in this funk lately, for lack of any other word, and I think I need to go away to straighten myself out. I was looking at convents, and that's still one of my number-one choices, but maybe I can get a temp job doing something... alone? Preferably in New Zealand? I'd watch LOTR over and over again only for the landscape. Maybe doing something with horses. The point is I need some time to straighten my head out. Not a long time, just a couple of months or so. Just to get my head clear enough to be okay in everyday life.

I came to this conclusion at dinner tonight. Aunt Sean is here, but I'm not happy. I have trouble being anything but indifferent lately, and the more I try to be enthusiastic and get into things the worse it gets. I don't want to have to force myself to smile anymore. It's been like this for a while. Aunt Sean noticed when I was down for New Year's, and she was like, "You're not having a good time, are you?" And it wasn't that I wasn't having a good time, it was that I didn't care whether I was or not. And that is starting to scare me. I've stopped feeling things. Life just barely scratches the surface of my mind, and that's not healthy. So maybe if I go away for a while, I can re-connect with myself. We'll see.

Comments

[nelys.livejournal.com]

i hear ya, sumi-chan. i've been there myself, more often than not. just know that i'll always be here for you, and you're not alone. can't wait to see you again- i'm drawing some more pictures, and i have some stuff to give ya. hang in there! call me if you feel like it. love, me