*faceplant*

I think I'm going a little crazy.

I should be happy with my life right now. I'm in a good school studying a subject that I adore; not only that, but I actually have professional contacts now, and the prospect of a Real Job (TM) at the end of it all! And now that I'm so close- finally, after years of stupidity, to finishing- I want to drop it all. Again. I just want to cosplay. LAAAAAME.

I love theatrical costuming. I love the idea of it, the engineering behind it. I don't have the time or the money to do it as much as I'd like to right now- three cons a year is a lot. And it's not enough, not at all.

I need to stay off the costuming parts of the internet, at least until finals are over, I think. This semester has sucked hardcore, from music to the Latin and French clusterfuck to all the other random stressors I've been involved with. Now that it's so close to the end of the semester, I'm fragile or something. I looked at a picture of Adella's about fifteen minutes ago and burst into tears- just sat there crying for a bit. Like, I'll never be that. I haven't got a chance in hell. Which is a stupid, hysterical way of thinking because hello! I can do that if I want to. But it's all the little things. Dental issues. Time issues. All the "old" comments getting to me, which is stupid. My armor is a little thinner every day.

Probably not helping is the diet issue. Although I don't like to call it a diet per se. I watch what I eat now, and log the calories every day. I'm also trying to get into the gym every day, but that doesn't always work- depends on how sick I'm feeling, or if I have a ton of homework or whatever. I like counting calories; it makes me aware of what I'm putting in my mouth. Instead of just eating mindlessly or not thinking about what I'm drinking (I put a lot of sugar in my coffee, lol) I'm watching it. It makes food more enjoyable, too, since I've taught myself to eat when I'm hungry and not to just stick something in my face cause I'm bored. Most days this whole method (no denial, eat what you want, if it's high calorie, eat a little bit) works great for me, and I've seen good results. But occasionally it backfires. Today I got a coffee and drank half of it, then threw the rest away because I was disgusted with myself for doing it. Gotta be careful not to spiral down that road- it's too easy to start with that thinking, and the end result ain't pretty. And with all the dance stuff in the works, shows and stuff... the pressure to lose the weight is there, for the sheer fact that that little bit on my hips impedes my arabesque. Which isn't necessarily true, but I can feel it there, bunching up.

But that's toning, not weight loss. That's what the damn ellipticals at the gym are for.

I'm worried about this summer. I can't run. I tried a couple of weekends ago- I run for about twenty feet and have to stop. Makes no sense, as I can go straight on the elliptical for almost an hour. But whatever. I have to find a place nearby with an elliptical over the summer, to stay in shape.

Okay. I feel a little calmer now. I think I just need a nap- haven't taken one yet today. And I need for school to be over, so I can relax a little, and not be ripping my hair out over stupid music theory and gerundive- verbs? participles?

Also, I gotta go try and get Advent Children back from Josh. We're having a movie night for TnT- not medieval, but whatever, lol. Also, Professor S is down for Sephiroth madness. This makes me fangirl him even more, if that were possible.

Blah. Tomorrow's gonna be better than today.

*faceplant*

I think I'm going a little crazy.

I should be happy with my life right now. I'm in a good school studying a subject that I adore; not only that, but I actually have professional contacts now, and the prospect of a Real Job (TM) at the end of it all! And now that I'm so close- finally, after years of stupidity, to finishing- I want to drop it all. Again. I just want to cosplay. LAAAAAME.

I love theatrical costuming. I love the idea of it, the engineering behind it. I don't have the time or the money to do it as much as I'd like to right now- three cons a year is a lot. And it's not enough, not at all.

I need to stay off the costuming parts of the internet, at least until finals are over, I think. This semester has sucked hardcore, from music to the Latin and French clusterfuck to all the other random stressors I've been involved with. Now that it's so close to the end of the semester, I'm fragile or something. I looked at a picture of Adella's about fifteen minutes ago and burst into tears- just sat there crying for a bit. Like, I'll never be that. I haven't got a chance in hell. Which is a stupid, hysterical way of thinking because hello! I can do that if I want to. But it's all the little things. Dental issues. Time issues. All the "old" comments getting to me, which is stupid. My armor is a little thinner every day.

Probably not helping is the diet issue. Although I don't like to call it a diet per se. I watch what I eat now, and log the calories every day. I'm also trying to get into the gym every day, but that doesn't always work- depends on how sick I'm feeling, or if I have a ton of homework or whatever. I like counting calories; it makes me aware of what I'm putting in my mouth. Instead of just eating mindlessly or not thinking about what I'm drinking (I put a lot of sugar in my coffee, lol) I'm watching it. It makes food more enjoyable, too, since I've taught myself to eat when I'm hungry and not to just stick something in my face cause I'm bored. Most days this whole method (no denial, eat what you want, if it's high calorie, eat a little bit) works great for me, and I've seen good results. But occasionally it backfires. Today I got a coffee and drank half of it, then threw the rest away because I was disgusted with myself for doing it. Gotta be careful not to spiral down that road- it's too easy to start with that thinking, and the end result ain't pretty. And with all the dance stuff in the works, shows and stuff... the pressure to lose the weight is there, for the sheer fact that that little bit on my hips impedes my arabesque. Which isn't necessarily true, but I can feel it there, bunching up.

But that's toning, not weight loss. That's what the damn ellipticals at the gym are for.

I'm worried about this summer. I can't run. I tried a couple of weekends ago- I run for about twenty feet and have to stop. Makes no sense, as I can go straight on the elliptical for almost an hour. But whatever. I have to find a place nearby with an elliptical over the summer, to stay in shape.

Okay. I feel a little calmer now. I think I just need a nap- haven't taken one yet today. And I need for school to be over, so I can relax a little, and not be ripping my hair out over stupid music theory and gerundive- verbs? participles?

Also, I gotta go try and get Advent Children back from Josh. We're having a movie night for TnT- not medieval, but whatever, lol. Also, Professor S is down for Sephiroth madness. This makes me fangirl him even more, if that were possible.

Blah. Tomorrow's gonna be better than today.