Wrote this earlier.
Jan. 28th, 2002 10:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nirix5You know, for someone who’s as lonely as I’m feeling right now, I sure am antisocial. If I wanted company, I could just walk across the street to the school and go bug Kate and Tom at musical rehearsal, but to tell the truth I’m not feeling quite up to it. I’m not in the best of moods right now as it is, and I think I’d spontaneously combust if I had to listen to any kind of Broadway music. I can only listen to so much of that before I crack. Even Les Miserables, my favorite, gets to me after a while.
But I am lonely.
I’m not sure I should be.
I mean, yeah, Maurice is out in AZ. And I’m here. And judging from what Kate’s reading said, I should be very happy right now. Every damn card pointed to marriage and love and a relationship.
The only problem is, I don’t think it’s what I want.
I’m the one who’s always telling people not to get too into love while you’re still so young; I’m the one that says you can’t complain about a shitty love life until you’re at least twenty six (especially in Tom’s case.) I don’t want to be in love, not right now anyway. I don’t want to get married. I don’t want to have kids. I don’t want to be in any sort of relationship, because I can’t stand going to clubs and feeling guilty about dancing with another guy, even though the one I’m with is 2000 miles away. Even in high school I was like that- my boyfriends would get jealous because I’d hang out with other guys and not them exclusively. I hate being smothered, and yet, here I find myself, front and center in the position that I’ve been trying so hard to avoid. If it wasn’t so tense, for lack of a better word, I could almost laugh.
This is ridiculous. You love whoever you love, right? And I do love Maurice. But I don’t want to. I don’t know if he’d understand if I told him that. Everyone wants to find love, to be in love, to be loved in return. I don’t. I don’t want to be caged in like that, and it scares me.
Is that it? Am I scared?
I don’t think so. Fear is something to be used judiciously, doled out in small doses for something worthwhile. It’s not fear, exactly.
I just don’t want to be tied down so soon.
Everyone says I’m like Arwen. But the difference between me and her is that she’s willing to give up immortality for a few years with the one she loves; I’ve got nothing to give up except a little bit of my freedom and I’m not willing to budge.
So I guess I’ll just be lonely for right now.
But I am lonely.
I’m not sure I should be.
I mean, yeah, Maurice is out in AZ. And I’m here. And judging from what Kate’s reading said, I should be very happy right now. Every damn card pointed to marriage and love and a relationship.
The only problem is, I don’t think it’s what I want.
I’m the one who’s always telling people not to get too into love while you’re still so young; I’m the one that says you can’t complain about a shitty love life until you’re at least twenty six (especially in Tom’s case.) I don’t want to be in love, not right now anyway. I don’t want to get married. I don’t want to have kids. I don’t want to be in any sort of relationship, because I can’t stand going to clubs and feeling guilty about dancing with another guy, even though the one I’m with is 2000 miles away. Even in high school I was like that- my boyfriends would get jealous because I’d hang out with other guys and not them exclusively. I hate being smothered, and yet, here I find myself, front and center in the position that I’ve been trying so hard to avoid. If it wasn’t so tense, for lack of a better word, I could almost laugh.
This is ridiculous. You love whoever you love, right? And I do love Maurice. But I don’t want to. I don’t know if he’d understand if I told him that. Everyone wants to find love, to be in love, to be loved in return. I don’t. I don’t want to be caged in like that, and it scares me.
Is that it? Am I scared?
I don’t think so. Fear is something to be used judiciously, doled out in small doses for something worthwhile. It’s not fear, exactly.
I just don’t want to be tied down so soon.
Everyone says I’m like Arwen. But the difference between me and her is that she’s willing to give up immortality for a few years with the one she loves; I’ve got nothing to give up except a little bit of my freedom and I’m not willing to budge.
So I guess I’ll just be lonely for right now.
